Four largewhite candles are on the simple alter at Unity Palo Alto Community Church, flanked by a large, cheery Christmas decorated with ornaments and small yellow lights.

The church begins to fill on a recent Thursday night for a special service to remember family members and other loved ones who have died. It is the twelfth year that Kara, the Palo Alto grief-counseling agency, has sponsored its candlelighting service of remembrance.

Everyone in the church has lost someone.

Don Allen first became involved with Kara 12 years ago. His first wife was dying of cancer and she told him to find a counselor at Kara to help him. He did and since became a Kara counselor himself.

"I wanted to give back what I received," he said. "Kara had opened my eyes on how to make a difference. We're dealing with the walking wounded, where the wounds don't show."

He later met his second wife, Susan, at a wedding. Don and Susan Allen brought Susan's elderly mother to the candlelighting service three years ago.

"I brought my mother to this event so she could light a candle for my father and I could for my brother," Susan said. "She loved it." Susan's mom has since died.

The Allens light one of the four large candles. The candles represent love, memory, courage and hope.

Karlina Ott, Charlie Bedard and their son Adrian light another of the four candles. They are remembering their son Andrew. He died two years ago of a brain aneurysm.

"For reasons that are incomprehensible, we lost a healthy 8-year-old," Charlie said. While Andrew was being operated on, they decided to make him an organ donor. "We knew he wasn't going to make it," Charlie said.

But while losing a family member they gained a new family, in a way. The man who received Andrew's kidney, and his family, have become friends. "We met the man from Fresno," Charlie said. "He's a great guy, a father."

Karlina and Charlie now think of the Fresno family as their in-laws, Charlie says, smiling. They shared Thanksgiving together in Fresno and the man and his family will come to Saratoga, where Karlina, Charlie and Adrian live, for a few days over Christmas.

Karlina and Charlie brought a framed photograph of Andrew with them to the service. It shows a smiling boy. "Everything I can do to remember Andrew is good," Karlina said. "It brings me a little peace."

Palo Alto City Manager Frank Benest and his children, Noah and Leila, also light one of the four candles. They are remembering Pam, Benest's wife and the children's mother, who died two years ago.

"Like other people, I came to Kara for my children," Benest said. "But it's been a terrific support for me."

The service begins with the Trinity Ringers playing hymns with hand-held bells.

"This is the season of candlelight, a time to celebrate their lives and they ways they have changed us," Kara's James Muvaney says to the several hundred people in the church.

One way in which this church service is different is that small boxes of tissues have been placed beneath the pews and people comfort each other during the service.

"It can be dark and scary when we lose a loved one, but we light a candle to find a way back to life," the Rev. Karyn Bradley, senior minister of Unity Palo Alto, says.

But for many, including the Allens, and Karlina Ott and Charlie Bedard, it's a time to smile at the memories, too.

"It's a wonderful way to celebrate the holiday and include the people we lost," Susan Allen says.

Each person in the church has a small candle. The four large candles are taken down the aisles to start lighting the small candles. People then light each other's small candles.

"On this night of candlelight, many small candles combine to light the way," Mulvaney says. The church lights are darkened and the church is lit by hundreds of small, flickering flames.

Weekly Senior Staff Writer Don Kazak can be e-mailed at dkazak@paweekly.com.

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Kara is the Gothic root of the word "care."
It means to reach out, to care, to lament, to grieve with.